A Crown

 Back, many years ago, I recall a conversation I overheard between my mom's sister and my dad. I recall it going something like this: 

"Andy, why do you do the things you do for the people you do them for?" I believe that he was talking about helping someone in the church with something, which was how he lived his life, doing for others. 

He replied, "It is just for a jewel in my crown." 

At the time, I was very immature, young, uneducated, and I thought that was a very self-centered reply. I thought, "Is that why we do things for others? To get rewarded for ourselves?" 

Fast forward to many many years later, and I am not sure when, it hit me. What do we do with our crowns? Do you know? What are your thoughts on that?

There are many references to crowns in the Bible. In 2 Timothy 4:8 Paul refers to the crown of righteousness that will be rewarded to him when he arrives in Heaven. But, not only to him, but to ALL who have loved Jesus' appearing. If we are living in Christ, we all have a crown to look forward to. 

But, will we all be walking around Heaven showing off our crowns to each other like a badge of honor? I do not believe so. And, this revelation that I had made me realize what my dad was getting at. 

According to Revelation 4:10, our crowns will be laid at the feet of Jesus. With knowing that, I really want my crown to be filled with jewels and beauty. I don't want an empty crown, I want one that shows that while I was here, I worked to fill my crown with jewels that show honor and love to Jesus. 

My salvation is not about works, or earning a reward. Salvation is a free gift, Jesus gives that to us through His death and resurrection. My jewels in my crowns is what I have done and am going to do with the salvation that He has given me. I can keep it to myself, and still be guaranteed a home in Heaven, but I do not want to arrive with nothing to offer Him.  

Saying Good-bye to One of the Greatest Men

Not a clue as to why this never got finished. Obviously I got busy and didn't get to it. Well, here it is. sorry it is only almost nine years late...

I have spent the last week thinking of what words I could say to explain what losing my dad to death really feels like. I have wanted this day to come for around 5 years or more, yet, it came crashing down on me almost unexpectedly.

The call came on Monday that Dad was no longer able to swallow, that he was pooling his food and letting liquid run out of his mouth. I honestly knew what this meant. I had said to Renee several month or maybe even a year ago that when Dad quit eating, he would die. That was keeping him alive, and that was really all that was keeping him alive. So, that call was the beginning of the end in my view.

I called the sisters to let them know. I had no idea of how long we would be waiting, but I knew it was at least coming. On Tuesday while I was in a meeting at work, I had a call from the doctor who had examined Dad that morning. I returned his call on the way home and he informed me of really what I already knew. Dad is dying. On that trip home, I made several phone calls. I was thinking how great modern technology is, since I didn't have to wait to be home to make the calls, that hour drive ended up being a good time to get all the calls made that I needed to.

Jim, Dan, and I went to the nursing home when I got home from work. Dad was peaceful, more peaceful than I had seen him in years. He didn't have that look of confusion or wanting to be somewhere else, he just looked like he was resting. I prayed that he would feel the arms of Jesus opening to him and that he would pass quietly into his eternal home. Pastor Jason and Marty Schueller came to call on us. Pastor Jason shared scripture and some insight into how God's view is so different than ours. That dark comes before light, death comes before life, that certainly Dad was sitting on the edge of being born into his new life, one he had been waiting so long to experience. It was a most comforting thought.

Wednesday was the day Ryan was scheduled to have his wisdom teeth out. I had to take him to Milwaukee  Leila decided to come over on Wednesday and go home on Thursday so she could care for her grandsons. Matt was going to be flying in on Thursday and no one else had solid plans on what they were going to do.

Leila arrived and spent time with Dad. The rest of Wednesday is a bit foggy. I remember bringing Ryan home from the dentist, but I really cannot recall what happened the rest of that day.

Thursday we spent with Dad.  Renee came up to spend the day here. Dad continued to look peaceful although his breathing was becoming more irregular. The nurses began to medicate him to make the breathing less labored. We were on the phone to many people. Some were asking if they should come, others were content with not seeing Dad this way. Last minute plans were being made since we had decided to donate Dad's brain to research. We knew it was going to be soon. Matt arrived and by the time he came, Leila had decided against going back home. Michele assured her that she did not need to be at work the next day and Michele and Tim were coming over and bringing Mike with them so they could see Grandpa one last time.

Michele, Tim, Mike, Oliver, and Elliott arrive late evening on Thursday. The boys were treated to some chocolate ice cream from the staff at Rock Haven. They were pretty excited to be eating ice cream and it was so fitting since this was one of the last pleasures Dad had experienced in this life. 

Good Bye 2012...Hello 2013

I have been thinking of getting on here and doing my year and review. If I don't get to it, it will have to be 2013 in review!!

 So, let me see what I can remember about this year: Jim worked really hard at finding a boat. He found one that for sale in Kansas City and met the owner in Des Moines to pick it up. The late spring was spent getting ready to take her on her maiden voyage.

In April, we celebrated my dad's 80th birthday. I cannot recall how many people came to wish Dad well, but it was a great turn out. Although Dad didn't really know what was going on, he did have a sense that there was something special. He especially responded positively to his baby brother, my Uncle Richard. Dad also got to meet his newest great grandson, Elliott Michael Ashton who we welcomed into the world on March 20th.

After looking at the pictures of my sisters and feeling quite "heavy", I joined Weight Watchers on April 19th. In May I bought a new bike so that I could get some type of exercise that I enjoyed. I rode nearly every day all summer. We had a drought, which for bike riding purposes ended up being very good, I only got rained on one time all summer and never got to use the excuse of the wet weather to keep me back from my ride. I was working nights in the summer and one afternoon woke up, looked at the temperature and in my mind said, "If is is less than 100° I am riding." It was 99°, so I did it. I must say, it was the worst ride of the summer, but the most memorable.

In July we hosted the Siedsma family reunion. Not as many people were able to make this reunion as had been hosted by us back in 2010, but we still had a great time. Uncle Richard and Aunt Charlotte parked their new RV in our yard the week before the reunion and they spent their week helping us get ready for the big party on Saturday. It was a very special time with them, we had lots of fun and made some great memories. We even spent one day boating on Lake Koshkonong.

In August we headed to St. Louis for our family vacation. We try to do a trip each year the last week of August since Wisconsin schools start after Labor Day. We had a good time seeing the sites of St. Louis and spending time watching the Republican National Convention. Since the VP candidate was from Janesville, we had an added interest in the convention.


 September was the month when things were supposed to be back to routine and normal. It was going along nicely until we lost a tree in a big wind storm. One Saturday we had a family project of getting the remnants of the tree out of the yard and into our wood rack to dry in order to use for supplemental heat in the winter. We still had quite a bit of large logs that Jim worked on getting cut up with the chain saw on Wednesday the 19th. He came in that evening from working and said he had gotten very tired while out there and several times had to stop and catch his breath. The next day he didn't feel much better, complained of what seemed like gastrointestinal issues. Ryan came home from school feeling ill too. I diagnosed them both as having some kind of bug. By Sunday, Jim was miserable and not wanting to eat supper when I got home from work. I wondered how long he would wait to call his doctor but I didn't ask him. On Monday, September 24th, Jim and I had gone out for breakfast. While sitting in the restaurant, Jim decided to make that call to his doctor and before I could finish my meal, he was ready to head to the hospital. I drove him up to Madison and on the way there realized I was doing the one thing I had always known was the wrong thing to do, drive someone to the hospital when they are having a heart attack. Yes indeed, the diagnosis was heart attack and Jim was immediately taken to the cath lab and a stent was placed. He spent the next couple of days recovering there. It was time for a lifestyle change.


 October, Jim was going to cardiac rehab and so I decided I could work on splitting wood while he was gone. I was working with a friend of ours and running the wood splitter. In a brief second, my finger got between the splitter and the log and yes, one second of that pressure can crush a finger. I managed to crush the tuft bone of my left pinky finger. Not the worst thing that can happen, but a huge inconvenience. I ended up with a three week leave of absence from work.

Does Where You Park at Church Really Matter?

 Ok, that is a tease question. Sometimes I think about where I park when I go to church. At times when I know there is a potential that there will be a lot of visitors, I try to park far away as a courtesy to those. Most of the time though, I look for a reasonably close spot and one I can get to quick. Today, I pulled into the parking lot and didn't see anything open right away. I thought about driving up closer to the door and then I chose to go farther out. Why? I guess you'll have to read on to know! 

I pulled off to the right, pulled into a stall, then pulled through to the adjoining stall. So, essentially, I parked as far as I could away from the door (in a straight line), but still parked on the parking lot. When I got out of the car, my thoughts were about why I had parked there. Fleeting thoughts, but not a "no thought" moment. I didn't know that God was preparing me for what He was going to do with me. 

I got into the service, it had already started. I walked up to the front row where Michael had a spot saved for me. Then, when it was time for the sermon, the special speaker was introduced. May I suggest going to check out Dr. Michael Brown? (askdrbrown.org) He was our guest speaker and a thoroughly anointed man of God. He used the scripture in Mark where Jesus casts out the legion of demons into the herd of pigs. The point that he emphasized though was Mark 5:17. There was a huge miracle and the people asked that Jesus leave there. Jesus is scary. Complete commitment to Jesus is scary. We want easy, we want our lives to be the way we think they should be and sometimes God makes it clear that He has a way and sometimes that way is scary. God wants complete surrender. He wants us to be completely devoted to Him once we step outside the walls of the church. It is easy to say we give it all to Him, but then we go on our way and we don't include Jesus in every area of our lives. He wants it all and sometimes that looks scary. 

I am not one to go forward very often and ask for prayer. I am not afraid of that practice, I just usually speak to God on my own and don't include someone else in praying for me. Today, that was different. I didn't feel I needed to go and confess a sin that I have been harboring, I don't struggle with much when it comes to spending time with God and I feel I am doing fairly well. I am far from perfect or complete, but I am not feeling a sense of conviction that would spur me on to going to the front and asking for prayer. But today, I did. When I got to the lady who would pray for me, I said, "I just need to know what it is He wants from me. He needs to reveal it to me." So, we prayed. She doesn't know me so there was nothing specific she chose to pray for, she just prayed. She prayed that God would heal my past hurts (I don't think I have any unresolved hurts), and she prayed that I would devote my time to God and forgive others. (I think!) All in all, it was not the words that she said, it was the heart that I carried up there. I want to be all in, I want to be used by God to further His kingdom. That was my heart cry. 

So, the service was over, I had some issues about my giving method that I needed to clarify. So, I went to the information desk and got that question answered. While there I saw a friend whom I hadn't seen in a couple of weeks, so I went over to greet her. She had her son and daughter-in-law with her and they are from San Diego. So, we chatted a bit. I have never been there, but have heard it is nice even though it is in California. I moved on. There was a table offering information about foster care and adoption. I went to that table to get information, because, as you may know, adoption is near and dear to my heart. While I was standing there, another friend came by and tapped me on the shoulder. This is my friend who grew up as a missionary kid.  She comes to church alone because her husband has decided church is no longer needed his life. I know this is a struggle for her. I hadn't seen her in several months. We talked about the services. I told her I had already gone and she told me she was headed in. We said our goodbyes and I told her to text me sometime. I then headed out to my car, stopping to chat to some other friends along the way. 

I got out to the parking lot, almost to my car and that really really really still small almost not heard voice said, "Go back in!" (almost not heard) 

"Really God, I have a lot to do today," I argued. 

"GO BACK IN. YOU KNOW HOW MUCH YOU HATED SITTING ALONE IN CHURCH, GO BACK IN AND SIT WITH HER," the voice got louder. 

"But, I have a lot to..." I turned around and headed back in. I mean, there was a lot more chatting about this before I turned around, I will spare you the details. On the way back, God assured me He would redeem my time for me.

As I got to the door, one of the greeter said, "Good morning...again?" 

"Yeah," I explained. "I had an argument with God, and He won!"

I went in and asked God to please make the rest easy for me. Let me be able to find her quickly and easily. She was right at the end of a row with a lot of empty seats near her. I tapped her on the shoulder and climbed into the row. I said, "The Lord told me you needed me to come sit with you."  

Tears started flowing from her eyes. "Thank you," was about all she could express. 

After the service, we hugged and I expounded on my argument with God. She said, "As I came in I said, 'Well, Lord, here I am, alone again.' God told me He was there and you have friends who are here with you. And then, you walked in."

I have nothing else to say. (Well, that's not true!) But I mean, I do not need to explain anything about this. Had I parked closer, I would have been in my car and out of there before I could give a chance for God to speak. Had I not surrendered just moments before that, I may have missed an opportunity to be used by God to bless someone else. None of this, even the choice of where to park was me. It was all God and all for His glory.

"And now you know, the rest of the story!! Paul Harvey, good day!!"

Puzzling Thoughts

I am taking a brief break from the hours upon hours that I have been putting puzzles together in order to get some of my thought down on paper. The thoughts are coming faster than the pieces to the puzzles but like pieces to a puzzle, they can get lost or misplaced. That is why I need to start here with these things.

I have been using my "spare" time during the quarantine to put together puzzles. First off, I didn't even have one. Lesson in life. If you want to put a puzzle together, you have to have one. Fortunately, a friend felt bad for me and sent me one by Amazon. When I looked at the puzzle, it was perfect for me. It was a picture of a craft room-a messy one at that. Just like mine. So, first puzzle had some very significant items that indicated it was "my" puzzle. I have spent the past several years doing quilting. There were quilts in the picture. There was a cat, a teapot and cup, butterflies and a clock. There was a lot of purple. So many things that connected to me, it was perfect.

So, with that puzzle, being the first, I decided to do in my bedroom. It was the only room that I could close the door and prevent the cats from thinking they needed to help when I was not at home. I began. I found all but one edge piece. I was convinced that piece was missing. How much is life like that? We get the edges all put together and feel like we are in a really good place, but there is something missing. Just one piece that makes the rest of the progress slow or you worry about that one piece. What if the manufacturer forgot it? What if it doesn't exist? It really takes a lot of trust and really faith to even start a puzzle. We start thinking all of the pieces are there, hoping, trusting. See, you need faith even to begin.

When I realized there was an edge piece missing, my sister told me, "It will show up. Just keep going." That was great sisterly advice. How often in life have we needed a sister to tell us to just keep going, keep moving forward? I have certainly needed that in more than just waiting for a puzzle piece, I have needed others to hold me up and keep me focused when giving up would have been a lot easier.

Now, back to the puzzle in the bedroom issue. That was the one and only time I did that. I decided I could check the floor for pieces that the cats would possibly knock down. Why? Because that puzzle called my name at night when I really needed to be sleeping. One night it would not let me rest until 4 am. Well, I learned quickly that I needed to put some distance between me and the puzzle. I moved to the living room for the next one.

Sometimes we look at the big picture. Sometimes we look at the one piece. Our focus changes with where we are at a particular time. Staring at the finish helps us to know what it is supposed to look like in the end, but if we only look at the completed project, we don't necessarily notice the really fine details that determine where the piece goes.

I assume the puzzle designer never expects the participant to put the puzzle together without being able to see the original picture.  Sometimes the box only has part of the picture, sometimes they add a picture to the puzzle of the complete puzzle without the boxes distorted one. God doesn't expect us to put our own life together based on not knowing what the original looks like. We really are the puzzle and He is putting us together.

I have yet to have a puzzle put itself together. I have to put the pieces on the table and start by placing them where they need to go. Unlike God, I cannot know exactly what piece goes where, sometimes I am completely convinced that  piece goes in a specific spot. It fits what seems like perfectly, then, when I try to put another piece there, I find there is not a piece to fit. I could force it to work my way, and what would the finished product look like? I don't even want to know, it would be a mess, for sure. But, when I remove that wrongly placed piece and put in the right one, the picture continues toward perfection. I liken this to people or situations in my life that seemingly fit. It looks like a perfect match, surely that person belongs there or that job, or that activity, etc. Then, I am made aware that it is ill placed. It doesn't go there. Sometimes removing the wrong piece is really hard. It sticks together and you really have to pull to get it off of there. That is like life. I tend to cling to the things that God is trying to remove. It is a painful process of removal.

So, here I am, this many years later from the quarantine puzzle period. Life has certainly taken on pieces I never expected. I wish I had kept up on all of the "puzzle" lessons I learned back then. I ended up with putting together a total of 13 puzzles. In fact, I believe I put the last one together then night before my shoulder surgery. That night was the first night I actually spoke directly with Michael via text. He called me that next morning prior to my surgery, and the rest is history. 

Heavy Nurse Heart

 I usually am pretty light hearted on my Facebook page. I try not to get too heavy. I save that for here, because if you are reading this, then you probably really care about what I say. (That's an assumption!)

I have been a nurse for over 39 years.  I have for many of those years worked in the area of maternal health, which means, labor-delivery, post-partum, nursery, and NICU. I have seen just about everything a person can imagine in those years. Thankfully, I did not see what some in my profession saw this past weekend. I have never seen a co-worker gunned down by a visiting "father". (We usually called that type a sperm donor-and not affectionately).  That has to be one of the most horrific events ever. 

When police take their job, there is an expectation of danger. When firemen take their job, there is also an understood threat of danger. But, nurses?? We should not have to go to work in fear for our lives. But, I know for a fact, we often do. There have been many times in my years of working in hospitals that there is a noticeable lack of security, lack of authority given to those hired to keep the hospital safe. I have spent many years complaining about the lack of security. Hospitals talk about it, but they never really expect it, so it is not as important as it should be.  A piece of plexiglass will not keep us safe. Allowing every person in is not safe. 

I recall one incident where I was not there at the time, only heard about it third hand, but knew it was factual. The police were called for a threatening individual and someone, who knows who, decided that we didn't really need them and sent them away. The man was threatening lives!! It happens, it's a real thing, and now in Dallas, the threat was carried out.  

Please, wake up. We need stricter laws of keeping violent prisoners where they belong. We need better security in hospitals. We need every security officer to be properly trained and armed. It is only right. 

Thanks for listening to my rant. 

A Child's Voice

 I was reading a devotional last week by Matthew West and something in that post made me think about what our voice sounds like to God. You know, if you are a parent of a young child or if you ever were, one of the first things that you get so excited about is hearing that child's voice. The simple cry at the birth or the screams that come when you cannot figure out what the baby is trying to say. At times unnerving I am sure for a new parent. The child is trying to tell you something that you’re  unable to comprehend. As the child grows and develops some sounds that resemble words, you either know what they are saying, or you guess. Funny side note, when Ryan came to visit us while we waited for him to be permanently placed with us, he would keep saying, "Huggie, huggie." We all assumed he was just this loving bundle of joy and we would hug him. Weeks into the process it became clear to us that his words were, "Hungry, hungry." OOOPS. (The foster mom wondered about our ability to parent...and so did we!) 

The other day I was in the office and heard a child's voice out in the waiting room. I thought, "That is the most precious sounding little voice." The child was just talking. Probably not saying anything of great significance, but the sound of the voice caused me to pause. It was such an epiphany. I dare you to try and not smile just a smidge when you hear a tiny voice coming out of a tiny body. It is such a sweet innocent sound. Then I thought of my Heavenly Father. Imagine all the times we have "talked" to Him and how he feels. If that small voice of that child stirred my heart like it did and I am made in the image of God, imagine just how excited God gets when he hears the voice of His own children! He loves us, He loves our voice, He loves our tears, He loves our concerns, HE LOVES US!!! And our voice is sweet music to His ears. 

The other amazing thing, do you always understand what a child says? No, just like the "huggie" up above, I did not understand. But God understands the words that we can't even bring to expression ourselves. He has given us the gift of the Holy Spirit who will speak on our behalf when our words can't even be expressed by our mouths or our minds. What an awesome experience. 

So, next time you hear a young child speak, remember, your Heavenly Father wants to hear that from you. He is waiting to have that kind of relationship with you. Chatter away!!