Peace During the Storm

Several weeks ago, when this whole thing started and the recommendations were to start social distancing, flattening the curve, safe at home, etc. I was quickly reminded of the crisis I had suffered shortly after the attack of 9/11. I refer to this often in my life because that event shook my world. I was a mess beyond all messes. When this all started with Corona, I vowed I would trust in God and not allow myself to go where I had gone in 2001.

Well, as strong willed and determined as I am, that resolve left me on Sunday evening. While I was at work there was an overhead page for a "medical emergency." That means, someone was dying. Then, of course, we all paused in our thoughts in realization that it was a person with the virus. Then, it became more real than ever. When reading reports about the death toll and those infected, it doesn't become quite as real as it does when you know someone is slipping away in the very building where you are standing. Reality!

Our future will no doubt lead to those close to us leaving this world too. We don't know where and when this silent killer will hit. I don't like not knowing, but then again, I don't really want to know either. It is a difficult view to balance. It reminds me of the teeter-totter and being up and then down and then up and then down. It is hard to hit that middle and stay there both on the playground and in life. At one moment I realize all of this is in God's hand ultimately, and then I push that off and I am doubting the security that I know is there. I am sure I am not alone in that uncertainty and conflict.

I read scripture, many have come to mind in this time. I cling to those verses that give hope and assurance that God will not walk away from this. I often feel it is His way of getting our attention. But, are we seeing that? Not everyone. That is another area I struggle with. What about those out there who will face their eternity soon, where are they going to spend eternity? How do we make sure the message of salvation is clear and available? How do we share it without sounding like "doomsday" evangelist? It is hard. Any time I spend with people, it is with people who don't have a relationship with Jesus. It is hard to draw from others when they cannot offer hope. That is when I really have to remember to trust in Jesus. I pray for opportunities to share the gospel, but those don't come often. It is a continual challenge and has become even more so with this pandemic.

I also struggle with the feeling that this may be the beginning of the end. If so, our mission is even greater. Not one of us is going to get out of this life and not face the judgement. How can that message be sent clearly and how do we do our part? This is a struggle I face daily. Am I doing enough? NO! I don't even have to think about that answer. So, I pray that I can be used and that the Holy Spirit would lead people to me to give them the answer to hope in a very dark world.

If you are reading this and do not have a personal relationship with Jesus, if you don't really have the assurance that when you leave this life you know you will be forever in Heaven, please consider making that a for sure in your life. It required not work on your part, it only requires full surrender to Jesus. Ask Him to take control of your life, to forgive you for your sin, and to live inside you through the Holy Spirit. It is as simple as that. No hill to climb, no works to be done, the work was done by Him on the cross. Please take His gift of salvation and be assured of where you will spend eternity.

Let me know if you need to know more.

The Last Week of Firsts

Catchy title? Maybe, but truth.

I have survived the first of many things, starting out right from the death, Easter followed quite soon. Then Mother's Day, Father's Day,  the 30th anniversary of the day we met, Jim's birthday, the rest of the major holidays of the year. Each one was tolerable and each one less anxiety provoking than I had expected. Friends were close by in the event that I would need a lift. I am sure with that and a lot of prayers, the year was actually not as bad as I had anticipated.

Then, this week arrived. I often times wish my memory would not be so great, I can remember really dumb insignificant things, this week being no exception.  Sunday was St. Patrick's Day and I wanted a reuben. He didn't want to go to Culver's so I went with a friend. He texted me while there and asked me to bring him home a reuben. I have no idea why that happened other than the friend I took was a widow also and maybe to get to know her better, God really orchestrated that lunch.

I recall the Monday that I volunteered to work a 12 hour night shift because work was crazy busy and they were short. I remember going to Madison to get Jim's bike because he wanted me to be with him. I took my Bible and read it to him on the way, because he told me to bring it along. He knew that my reading time was important to me, he didn't want to take that time away from me, but he wanted me to be with him. Then, Thursday he took his bike out for a spin.  He went to McDonalds for me that day as I frantically rushed out of the house to get to work, being called in because of a new baby arriving. Friday I have talked about already in a previous blog.

So, as of pretty much right now, I have passed the one year mark. I have felt every emotion possible this week and my tears have been flowing freely. I honestly believe the crisis the world is in right now has contributed to the pain of this week more than anything else. Being forced to stay in the house and not be out with people has made it especially difficult to navigate through the emotions. I am so grateful for technology that allows me to at least maintain contact with people. But, bottom line, the one "people" I would have chosen to be quarantined with is not here. I miss him. I will never stop loving him and I would never ever want him to have had to go through the Corona Crisis, not being out with people would have made him so sad. I am blessed to know he is virus free, diabetes free, heart disease free, sleep apnea free!!!!

Thanks for everyone of you who has held me up in prayer this past year. Many tell me they are amazed at how well I am doing. I am too. But I know one thing, God is the reason I have made it. Jesus has protected me from the fear and loneliness that could have consumed me. God's word has been so vital in my life and I am grateful for the time I can spend each day reading and soaking in the truths. I am so grateful for the heritage of my birth family that taught me the importance of making Jesus first in my life. My parents led by example. I have so very much to be grateful for.

I have chosen my life verse to be Isaiah 41:10 "Do not fear, for I am with you; do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold with My righteous right hand."

Peace During a Storm

If you happen to read my blog, you probably recall reading the story of the unrest I had during the weeks that followed the 9/11 attack on our country. I was a mess. I admit it, I lived in fear, paralyzing fear. Not just a concern or looking at it as unbelievable, but heart stopping fear. I could not get my head to accept what my heart knew. I trusted God. I knew He loved me and my family and that nothing would come to harm us that He wasn't fully aware of and in control of. I still feared.

Now, many years have come and gone, I eventually started to live again and function. Today as we experience a different type of attack on our world, I do not have that fear. I don't fear the virus will harm me in a health sense. The concern I have is what the panic and fear is doing to our world. I look at the financial aspect, everyone everywhere will be losing money over this. Think of the hotels and venues that are cancelling events. They are not going to easily recoup their losses. It is sad.

But, what are we supposed to do? Do we panic and look to the days and weeks ahead and live in fear of a fall of our economy? Will that solve anything? No!! What we really need to do is be thankful for what we have been given in preparation for this catastrophe. Many people criticize social media, a huge dislike for the internet and how it has invaded our everyday life, and now, we can see it as a blessing. Many who fall into the category of "compromised" can remain safely quarantined in their home and still have contact with the outside world. People can go to church without going to church, not to say this is a good excuse for not being with others, at least the word can be heard without the risk or chance of exposure.

Just some thoughts I have had mulling around in my head. But mostly, I see the parallel to 9/11 and am so grateful that I am not back there. I am thankful that God has grown me in the past 19 years (and even before that) to really completely trust in Him. I pray the same for anyone reading this. Put your trust in God, He will sustain you.

My life verse has become Isaiah 41:10 "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

2020 K-love Cruise

OK, I am keeping it short and not writing several chapters about this year's cruise. Why? Because it is too awesome to try to explain in words.

First day, we are waiting to board the ship. Dressed in our "God made us sisters, Prozac keeps us friends" t-shirts and our hair colored purple, (mine of course is natural and my sisters had to put color in theirs to match) we were sitting in the holding area.  Another cruiser noticed our shirts and introduced herself to us. She told us she is a nurse and the Prozac captured her attention. We started talking to her, got her brief story, she was traveling alone, first K-love cruise. We had an immediate sense of friendship. By the end of the day, we had officially adopted her as our sister and made it official by coloring her hair purple while we waited in line for the concert.

That was the first blessing of the trip...well not really first, but first big one. We spent the whole rest of the cruise as a now foursome. So, because we all felt such a kindred spirit with Sandy, we invited her to share a room with us next year. So, we will be officially a foursome Prozac sisters next year.

I went on shore at Grand Cayman and snorkeled for the first time. That was awesome and I cannot wait to do that again. Anyone want to run to Grand Cayman with me? I met some owners of an AirBNB and we can stay there.

Saturday we went to shore on Cozumel. I settled an year old dispute with Miguel (Juan was not there). But in the end, I walked away with a very pretty ring. Probably not yet worth what I paid for it last year, but it is pretty and Miguel made it right (maybe).

The artists were great this year. We ran into a few of them on the Promenade and other areas on the ship. I was able to tell Matthew West how his stupid song from 2 years ago ministered to me when I was at my lowest of low. It was a stupid song, but it gave me a laugh I so needed at a time when life seemed so bleak.

We met the Skit Guys. They were a hoot. Mike Goodwin was hilarious too and we were able to talk to him directly in the Windjammer as he and his family walked by.

I met up with some of my old acquaintances from previous years and sadly, rarely saw some, even though I think we were on the same ship. The ship is huge and if you don't have the same concert time, you rarely see the other people.

We met many people and were happy to bring back not only great memories, but we are honored to be able to carry others' burdens as well. I have added several to my prayer list and will be happily praying for those I met on the ship.

I will fondly treasure the memories from this trip and anxiously wait for the next.

Faithfulness

I have so many thoughts running through my head today. Many people in my life are hurting, I pray for some every single day and yet there is no change. I pray anyway. I remember my dad always saying that God answers our prayers, sometimes yes, sometimes no, and sometimes wait. I am hearing WAIT a lot as I see no changes. I pray anyway. It is called faith, it is what makes me who I am. I am so thankful for parents who not only taught me to have a faith of my own, but showed me by example their faith.

 My mother visited my dad in the nursing home every single day from the day he was placed until she herself died (she only missed when she was in the hospital for her own illness, and she made me take her there on our way home from one of those hospitalizations). My mom could easily have put my dad in the home and NEVER once gone to see him and he would not have known the difference, she did not. Do you think she lived to be HAPPY (I think people think this is what life's about--it is not) ? Do you think she had fun being married to a man who didn't know who she was? Yet, she was faithful to him to the bitter end.

My dad was a pastor. He gave his life to that calling. He served the Lord by serving others. He was a faithful man of God. I remember what seemed like every family vacation we took he had to drive home to perform a funeral. He did it, he never once expected anyone to take his place. He honored his calling like no other person I have ever known. Was he HAPPY, probably not a lot of times, but he was certainly blessed.

OK, sorry you had to read all of that, it doesn't even begin to cover what is going on in my head, it was just a starting point.

Promise

I have been thinking a lot lately about the last 29 years and little conversations that when they occurred didn't really mean that much, after all, we were going to grow very old together (that was my plan).

As I work on the scrapbook from our trip in 2016 in which we drove over 4000 miles, that was a lot of time together. It is one of my best memories of our marriage. We were all alone with each other, that hadn't happened much on trips since the boys were in our lives, most vacations we tried to include them. But, this one was just Jim and I and it was beyond special.

But, I'm working on this book and I am reminded of a promise Jim made to me early in our marriage. We had just seen a movie about something African, I don't recall the movie. As you may know, I lived in Central Africa for two years as a missionary; Africa was in my blood. A little piece of my heart remained there. As we were leaving the movie, I remember having a tear in my eye and telling Jim that I missed it so much.

He replied, "We will make many of our own memories together." He didn't fail me, he fulfilled that promise. I had no clue what was about to happen in the next 28 or so years, but one thing I did know, we were in it together.

Most of those memories are imbedded in the other entries of this blog. I don't need to repeat them. I just want to remember all that the years with Jim meant to me and never forget how much he loved me.

The Ticket

Once again, I have been reminded of how much I am loved by my Heavenly Father. He never quits proving His love to me over and over.

Last evening, I drove up to Madison with a friend who had invited me to see Bob Goff. (If you don't know him, look him up!)  I had taken the ticket when we entered, I read the ticket, it said, "Keep your ticket with you." I of course didn't quite understand why I couldn't leave it in the car, but if you know me, I pretty much follow the rules in most everything I do. So, I took the ticket and did something with it.  I thought I stuck it in my purse, but I was paying little attention to what I had done with the ticket.  We got to the venue and Jan reminded me that we had to have our parking ticket in order to get out of the structure. I kind of thought about it, looked quickly in where I figured I had put it. Nope, not there. Oh well, probably in the car.

We finished the first session, which, I am saying, if you haven't heard Bob or read his stuff, you need to. At dinner, I was going to search for the ticket. We ate, never gave it another thought until we were seated waiting for the next session and Jan said, "Empty out your purse and find the ticket." So, I emptied my purse. No ticket. We had stopped at the car on the way to dinner and hadn't noticed it in the car either.

After the event, we went to the car. I was most confident that the ticket would be in my cup holder where I had picked up my phone as we were getting out. Pretty sure that I had just not really examined the area on the way to dinner. Still feeling pretty unshaken by the potential loss of the ticket, we moved on to the car. We looked, not there, we looked again, all around the car, under the car, in the car. Not there. Pocket check for the 10th time, not there. OH!!! I don't do this kind of thing, what is up?

Jan went over to the kiosk to find out what to do if you have a lost ticket. I just kept looking, willing it to appear in the car. But, out loud I said, "God, we really need to have that ticket."(He knew that, I didn't know how badly we did!) Jan returned to the car to tell me that she found out in order to get out of the structure without a ticket, it cost $75. $75???? What!?!?

A discussion started, rationalizing that $75 would be the price of a good dinner, which we had gone cheap on earlier...

"What if were just go see if by chance someone turned it in?" Jan suggested. Knowing that price, I was willing. So, we started walking back to the venue.

About 30 feet from the car, Jan says, "Oh look, there's a ticket on the ground!" She picked it up and it was time stamped 2:55pm. That was the time we had arrived. It was clearly our ticket. (She wouldn't let me touch it!)

So, we paid the regular fee, got our ticket validated, and drove on home. Once again, I realized how much God loves me. How much there is truth in the statement that "not a sparrow" (or a parking garage ticket) falls to the ground but that He sees it and cares? How much more does He care about the things I count as big in my life, like my future, my purpose, my well-being? Once more, He showed me and once more I learned a lesson on leaning on Him.