This was my sentiment for a very long time in regard to my dad and his falling into the ugly arms of Alzheimer's. If he would just die, then he would not have to suffer with this horrible disease. If he would just die, he wouldn't have to be so dependent upon other for his basic needs. If he would just die, he would be in the arms of his savior. Dad accepted Jesus as his savior in his late 20's and lived wholeheartedly for him until the day he passed into the state of not knowing anything. But really, what do we know? Do we know what he knows? I used to just wish that he would go into his eternal resting place because I thought that would be better for all of us.
I am so thankful for a God who knows better. Dad is for all practical purposes gone, he recognizes no one, he doesn't speak more than a few words at a time and most of the time what he does say is jibberish and makes no sense at all. But, when I go and see him, sometimes he smiles. His eyes light up and he smiles. Sometimes he laughs. I love those times. I love spending time watching him and talking to him, never really getting any kind of answer back. I love to feed him, especially ice cream. He is like a baby waiting for the next bite. I love the time I still have with him because even in the horrible state he is in, he still gives, he still causes me to have joy in my life, he is still my dad.
I fall short of my own expectations of getting to see him as often as I feel I should. He never makes me feel guilty or shamed because I have not been there. He sometimes smiles when he sees me, he never shows anger. Sometimes he doesn't open his eyes, but I know he is in there. I miss the old dad, but I am still grateful for the one that he has become. God taught me that I don't know best, I would be missing these special moments if all I had were memories of dad, I have memories, but I also still have a living, breathing dad, and for that, I am most thankful.
I love you, DAD!!
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Our Story
I have never really sat down and written out the story of what led up to Jim and I meeting. For some, this is pretty uneventful, for me, it is a story of surrender and following God's will.
I was living in Texas in 1989, working in a very busy labor and delivery unit and loving pretty much every minute of my life. I had moved to Austin for two reasons, one, to be closer to my sister, Kathy and her family and two, to be where it wasn't so horribly cold. I had returned from two years in Central Africa where cold was 69 degrees; I didn't want to be cold ever again. My time in Texas allowed me to meet many people and form new friendships. I attended Bible Study Fellowship on Monday evenings. One of the women in my group said to a few of us "singles" that she felt we should all get together before Bible study and pray for our future husbands. None of us were dating at the time so this was certainly a step of faith. We met each week prior to the meeting, went out to supper, then went to the church and prayed for the future man God had for each of us. Really, I thought nothing much of this exercise, I felt the whole idea was so out of reach of reality that I only went along to be a nice person and felt that marriage was probably only for the other women I was there to support.
One night while driving to work, I was listening to the radio. Dr. James Dobson came on and made a comment about how the nation would deteriorate due to the lack of Christian parents raising their children to love and worship Jesus. I prayed on that trip and promised God that if he gave me a Christian man to marry, I would raise my children to follow him. My memory of that prayer is still crystal clear in my memory.
So, in May of 1989, I was planning a trip across the ocean to the village I had spent two years of my life. I wanted to visit one more time and see if that would be the future for me, long term missions. I decided that flying out of Chicago would be best in order to see my parents in the event that something happened and I could see them for the last time. I drove up to Warrensburg, MO where Mike and Leila lived, Mom and Dad were there to meet me to drive me the rest of the way to Janesville.
On May 5th, my lady friends from Janesville all got together for a slumber party. This was the night before I was to fly out of O'Hare. Lynda and Jody are sisters, Jody is married to Mike and Lynda was dating Pete at the time. Pete and Mike are brothers. These two sisters were telling me about Pete and Mike's step-brother and how he had been divorced recently and that he was a fun loving guy that they wanted me to meet. They thought it would be fun for both of us because we both had quirky personalities and we would get along well as friends. They never thought it would ever be more than a friendship. Jim was supposed to stop by Mike and Jody's house on his way back to Beloit from Edgerton. The ladies were going to just show up at their house when he got there and we were going to meet. Well, Jim decided to drive straight home, forgoing the stop to play pool at Mike's. So, we didn't meet. I told the ladies that I really needed to date and marry a Christian and since Jim had not made a decision to follow Jesus at this point in time, they needed to work on him about that and tell him about me. I would return in 6 weeks and meet him for sure.
I went to Africa. I saw a person there I had fallen deeply in love with. He had married and had a child since I had left. I knew my life had to go on for sure. I did want to return to the States and get back to school to be able to get my midwifery training and return to Africa and spend the rest of my life there. I was out walking with a Peace Corp volunteer one night. He was a crazy guy who lived in a hut in the village and a Christian who demonstrated great faith. We became close friends in that short period of time we were together. We were crossing the Sanja river (where there was an actual bridge) and as we crossed, quietly in my mind I said to the Lord, "If you want me to remain single the rest of my life, then I am going to be happy doing it." I surrendered my will in the area of marriage completely to God. I am sure Brett knew nothing of this transition. I didn't say a word out loud and with Brett, I think the only interactions we ever had were saturated in laughter, we had so much fun together.
So, I flew home. Arrived on Thursday. With the change of time zones, I really only concerned myself with sleeping. By Friday I had found out that there had been several plans for Jim and I to meet and double with Mike and Jody or Pete and Lynda and all the plans had fallen through. I didn't really care, I had a plan in mind, I was going back to school and back to Africa. The phone rang. It was this male voice I had never heard. The conversation went like this:
Jim: I think there are some people who want us to meet. Do you want to go out for dinner tomorrow night?
Christine: Yeah, I suppose.
Jim: Would you like me to pick you up?
Christine: Yeah, I suppose.
Jim: Can you tell me where to pick you up?
Christine: The address is 2841 Mineral Point. I believe it has brick on it.
So, I had proven myself as an idiot before I even met him. The plan was for him to come and get me around 6 on Saturday evening.
Saturday came and I was getting ready for the "date". I showered and washed my hair, put on my makeup and a dress and was pretty much ready when the doorbell rang. Kathy and her kids were in Janesville because the plan was for Mom to drive us all down to Mike and Leila's to get my car and then we would go the rest of the way to Austin in my car. When the doorbell rang, Jimi yelled--and I mean YELLED, "YOUR HUSBAND'S HERE!" I was sure this stranger standing on the other side of that door heard that and I was ready to go out the back door never to be seen. However, I did not. I opened the door. When I did, I immediately felt my whole world turn upside down. I knew at that second that there was no schooling in my future and no returning full time to Africa. Jim and I went to the van and started our one and only real date.
We ended up eating dinner at the Manor and after dinner we did meet up with Pete and Lynda and the four of us went to Riverfest in Beloit. It was there that Jim kissed me. I was immediately so in love with him, I felt like I was 15 again. We had a blast together and after dessert and visiting with Pete and Lynda, Jim took me back to my parent's house. We spent the next several hours talking and trying to get to know each other as best we could with the short time we had. I explained to Jim what my faith meant to me and that if there was to be a long term relationship, he would have to first make a commitment to live his life for Jesus. He had been attending church since his divorce, he was seeking for a different life. I made it clear that it was my top priority and non-negotiable. We sat in the driveway until 4:30 when Jim went to stretch and accidentally hit the horn. That was a sign that we needed to separate and get some rest. We had church in a few hours and he had to go to Beloit to get ready.
I went in the house and Kathy got up to see how the "date" had gone. I told her about Jim and that I knew this was the man I was to marry.
Jim came to church that morning and we spent some of the afternoon together and Monday morning I left to return to Texas. I was so torn. I never wanted to stay in Janesville as badly as I wanted to that day.
So, Jim and I corresponded for a couple of weeks. The Sunday after Jim's birthday, I called to talk to him at Mike and Jody's. They were all together after church on Sunday night celebrating Jim's birthday. I spoke with Jody first. She said, "I think you need to ask him what happened." I knew what she meant. I got on the phone with him and said, "So, do you think I can tell my friends you are a Christian?" To which he responded with a "YES". I was quite excited and knew that I could now seriously change the plans I had made for my life.
By the end of July, as in about a week, Jim and I knew we did not want to spend another day away from each other. One night when we were talking on the phone, he asked, "What is keeping you in Texas?" I told him I had to quit my job and my lease on my apartment was up at the end of the month. So, really, nothing. He made plans to come and move me back to Janesville.
So, by the end of the month, I was packed up and moving back to my home town. On the trip back to Janesville, Jim asked me to be his wife.
So, I got a job here and started making wedding plans. On February 24, 1990, we became Mr. and Mrs. Jim Knull.
Life has been a roller coaster ride ever since. I have enjoyed the time. I love Jim more every day. He has been my rock and I would not trade him for anything, ever!!
There is so much more to our story. God has been faithful. I will tell the rest at another time.
I was living in Texas in 1989, working in a very busy labor and delivery unit and loving pretty much every minute of my life. I had moved to Austin for two reasons, one, to be closer to my sister, Kathy and her family and two, to be where it wasn't so horribly cold. I had returned from two years in Central Africa where cold was 69 degrees; I didn't want to be cold ever again. My time in Texas allowed me to meet many people and form new friendships. I attended Bible Study Fellowship on Monday evenings. One of the women in my group said to a few of us "singles" that she felt we should all get together before Bible study and pray for our future husbands. None of us were dating at the time so this was certainly a step of faith. We met each week prior to the meeting, went out to supper, then went to the church and prayed for the future man God had for each of us. Really, I thought nothing much of this exercise, I felt the whole idea was so out of reach of reality that I only went along to be a nice person and felt that marriage was probably only for the other women I was there to support.
One night while driving to work, I was listening to the radio. Dr. James Dobson came on and made a comment about how the nation would deteriorate due to the lack of Christian parents raising their children to love and worship Jesus. I prayed on that trip and promised God that if he gave me a Christian man to marry, I would raise my children to follow him. My memory of that prayer is still crystal clear in my memory.
So, in May of 1989, I was planning a trip across the ocean to the village I had spent two years of my life. I wanted to visit one more time and see if that would be the future for me, long term missions. I decided that flying out of Chicago would be best in order to see my parents in the event that something happened and I could see them for the last time. I drove up to Warrensburg, MO where Mike and Leila lived, Mom and Dad were there to meet me to drive me the rest of the way to Janesville.
On May 5th, my lady friends from Janesville all got together for a slumber party. This was the night before I was to fly out of O'Hare. Lynda and Jody are sisters, Jody is married to Mike and Lynda was dating Pete at the time. Pete and Mike are brothers. These two sisters were telling me about Pete and Mike's step-brother and how he had been divorced recently and that he was a fun loving guy that they wanted me to meet. They thought it would be fun for both of us because we both had quirky personalities and we would get along well as friends. They never thought it would ever be more than a friendship. Jim was supposed to stop by Mike and Jody's house on his way back to Beloit from Edgerton. The ladies were going to just show up at their house when he got there and we were going to meet. Well, Jim decided to drive straight home, forgoing the stop to play pool at Mike's. So, we didn't meet. I told the ladies that I really needed to date and marry a Christian and since Jim had not made a decision to follow Jesus at this point in time, they needed to work on him about that and tell him about me. I would return in 6 weeks and meet him for sure.
I went to Africa. I saw a person there I had fallen deeply in love with. He had married and had a child since I had left. I knew my life had to go on for sure. I did want to return to the States and get back to school to be able to get my midwifery training and return to Africa and spend the rest of my life there. I was out walking with a Peace Corp volunteer one night. He was a crazy guy who lived in a hut in the village and a Christian who demonstrated great faith. We became close friends in that short period of time we were together. We were crossing the Sanja river (where there was an actual bridge) and as we crossed, quietly in my mind I said to the Lord, "If you want me to remain single the rest of my life, then I am going to be happy doing it." I surrendered my will in the area of marriage completely to God. I am sure Brett knew nothing of this transition. I didn't say a word out loud and with Brett, I think the only interactions we ever had were saturated in laughter, we had so much fun together.
So, I flew home. Arrived on Thursday. With the change of time zones, I really only concerned myself with sleeping. By Friday I had found out that there had been several plans for Jim and I to meet and double with Mike and Jody or Pete and Lynda and all the plans had fallen through. I didn't really care, I had a plan in mind, I was going back to school and back to Africa. The phone rang. It was this male voice I had never heard. The conversation went like this:
Jim: I think there are some people who want us to meet. Do you want to go out for dinner tomorrow night?
Christine: Yeah, I suppose.
Jim: Would you like me to pick you up?
Christine: Yeah, I suppose.
Jim: Can you tell me where to pick you up?
Christine: The address is 2841 Mineral Point. I believe it has brick on it.
So, I had proven myself as an idiot before I even met him. The plan was for him to come and get me around 6 on Saturday evening.
Saturday came and I was getting ready for the "date". I showered and washed my hair, put on my makeup and a dress and was pretty much ready when the doorbell rang. Kathy and her kids were in Janesville because the plan was for Mom to drive us all down to Mike and Leila's to get my car and then we would go the rest of the way to Austin in my car. When the doorbell rang, Jimi yelled--and I mean YELLED, "YOUR HUSBAND'S HERE!" I was sure this stranger standing on the other side of that door heard that and I was ready to go out the back door never to be seen. However, I did not. I opened the door. When I did, I immediately felt my whole world turn upside down. I knew at that second that there was no schooling in my future and no returning full time to Africa. Jim and I went to the van and started our one and only real date.
We ended up eating dinner at the Manor and after dinner we did meet up with Pete and Lynda and the four of us went to Riverfest in Beloit. It was there that Jim kissed me. I was immediately so in love with him, I felt like I was 15 again. We had a blast together and after dessert and visiting with Pete and Lynda, Jim took me back to my parent's house. We spent the next several hours talking and trying to get to know each other as best we could with the short time we had. I explained to Jim what my faith meant to me and that if there was to be a long term relationship, he would have to first make a commitment to live his life for Jesus. He had been attending church since his divorce, he was seeking for a different life. I made it clear that it was my top priority and non-negotiable. We sat in the driveway until 4:30 when Jim went to stretch and accidentally hit the horn. That was a sign that we needed to separate and get some rest. We had church in a few hours and he had to go to Beloit to get ready.
I went in the house and Kathy got up to see how the "date" had gone. I told her about Jim and that I knew this was the man I was to marry.
Jim came to church that morning and we spent some of the afternoon together and Monday morning I left to return to Texas. I was so torn. I never wanted to stay in Janesville as badly as I wanted to that day.
So, Jim and I corresponded for a couple of weeks. The Sunday after Jim's birthday, I called to talk to him at Mike and Jody's. They were all together after church on Sunday night celebrating Jim's birthday. I spoke with Jody first. She said, "I think you need to ask him what happened." I knew what she meant. I got on the phone with him and said, "So, do you think I can tell my friends you are a Christian?" To which he responded with a "YES". I was quite excited and knew that I could now seriously change the plans I had made for my life.
By the end of July, as in about a week, Jim and I knew we did not want to spend another day away from each other. One night when we were talking on the phone, he asked, "What is keeping you in Texas?" I told him I had to quit my job and my lease on my apartment was up at the end of the month. So, really, nothing. He made plans to come and move me back to Janesville.
So, by the end of the month, I was packed up and moving back to my home town. On the trip back to Janesville, Jim asked me to be his wife.
So, I got a job here and started making wedding plans. On February 24, 1990, we became Mr. and Mrs. Jim Knull.
Life has been a roller coaster ride ever since. I have enjoyed the time. I love Jim more every day. He has been my rock and I would not trade him for anything, ever!!
There is so much more to our story. God has been faithful. I will tell the rest at another time.
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