Why Can't He Just Die?

This was my sentiment for a very long time in regard to my dad and his falling into the ugly arms of Alzheimer's. If he would just die, then he would not have to suffer with this horrible disease. If he would just die, he wouldn't have to be so dependent upon other for his basic needs. If he would just die, he would be in the arms of his savior. Dad accepted Jesus as his savior in his late 20's and lived wholeheartedly for him until the day he passed into the state of not knowing anything. But really, what do we know? Do we know what he knows? I used to just wish that he would go into his eternal resting place because I thought that would be better for all of us.

I am so thankful for a God who knows better. Dad is for all practical purposes gone, he recognizes no one, he doesn't speak more than a few words at a time and most of the time what he does say is jibberish and makes no sense at all. But, when I go and see him, sometimes he smiles. His eyes light up and he smiles. Sometimes he laughs. I love those times. I love spending time watching him and talking to him, never really getting any kind of answer back. I love to feed him, especially ice cream. He is like a baby waiting for the next bite. I love the time I still have with him because even in the horrible state he is in, he still gives, he still causes me to have joy in my life, he is still my dad.

I fall short of my own expectations of getting to see him as often as I feel I should. He never makes me feel guilty or shamed because I have not been there. He sometimes smiles when he sees me, he never shows anger. Sometimes he doesn't open his eyes, but I know he is in there. I miss the old dad, but I am still grateful for the one that he has become. God taught me that I don't know best, I would be missing these special moments if all I had were memories of dad, I have memories, but I also still have a living, breathing dad, and for that, I am most thankful.

I love you, DAD!!