When I think of the reason I am going to Florida today, I want to just curl up in a ball and pretend that Florida doesn't even exist. I have made this flight so many times before, each one because I was going to spend fun times with my friends or take my kids to Disney World, this trip is so much more than any of the others I have made. This one is so bittersweet.
I don't say all this because I want people to feel sorry for me, I just want people to know my heart. I want to be seen as a friend who cares and who can't allow the last time to be the last time. I wasn't ready for that back then, I can't say I am ready now.
Rosemary and her family mean so much to me, we have had so many fun times together. She is that type of person I could only aspire to be. She is a loving wife--I falter, she is a great mom, displayed by children who chose to move to be close to her, long before the cancer became a part of her life. They didn't only show up in the end, they stayed close. I haven't witnessed a lot of her grand mothering, but I know when her only grandchild was a dog, she loved him like he was the only dog on the face of the earth. The one thing I have gotten to personally be a witness and recipient of is her greatness as being a friend. She is real. Although she oozes class (something I once again lack) she is still just so genuine. In the past few weeks of talking about her to those still close to me who know her, everyone pointed out how she is one of the warmest people they know. How she lights up a room and always smiles. I have not had much experience having a friend who has remained positive in the worst of circumstances. She lives life and she lives it well.
So, as I go to see her for what could be the last time on Earth, I pray for courage. I pray I won't sap out and spend the whole time crying and feeling my pain for the potential loss that I could soon experience. I pray I will live by her example and grab life and live it-- to the fullest. We WILL have fun, she told me so.
I love you, Rosemary. Can you please make sure I get to be at least in your block on the golden streets we will be on one day. Until then, may I remember what an inspiration you are and may I be something like you!

When the News Isn't Cheery

On a Saturday morning, a few weeks ago, I was in the middle of my workout routine. Jim came down to the basement and told me when I was done he had something to tell me. Well, I am not one to wait on those kinds of thing, no matter what the following sentence reveals. I want to know NOW!

I told him to just tell me, it couldn't be that big of a deal.

He preceded to tell me that he had seen a post of Facebook by a daughter of a good friend of ours. Our good friend, Rosemary Mielke, had posted the news and Jodi had re-posted her post. I didn't see the post by Rosemary when it went up (sometimes Facebook is odd). So, the post contained the news that Rosemary had received the word from her doctor that she has stage 4 liver and lung cancer and there is no medical recommendations for this. Short of a miracle (which because of our faith, we know still can happen),  she would have only a few months remaining in this life. The news hit me hard, very hard. This is one of those times when I realized the difference between the death of a family member and the death of a friend. I have never chosen a family member. My mother died, and yes, I loved her and  I was sad, but I didn't choose my mother. I have had cousins die, and yes, I loved them and I was sad, but I never chose my cousins. I have never had a close friend face death and I was not really ready to hear this news.

My first thought was how great of a person I always knew Rosemary to be. I loved thinking of her and the crazy times we have had together. But, I wondered, did she know? Does she know how much she has really meant to me over the years? Do we go on living our lives assuming people know how we feel about them? Yes, way too often. We chat and we get together, we laugh, we have fun, we cry together and we can hurt together and we can talk about people we don't like, together...but do we tell the other person what she really means to us? I don't think we do. So, my mission on that day following was to get it on paper, in writing, with my HAND and a pen just how much she really means to me. Four pages later, I had to stop and at least get it put in an envelope and sent. I prayed then that God would give me thoughts and memories of her. Throughout that week I was overwhelmed with things that reminded me of her. I wrote a letter each day, sometimes more than one, and sent them on to her. I didn't want to not share my memories...just in case the healing doesn't come.

There was still an emptiness that was not satisfied. I want to see her. I want to see her on this side of Heaven. I know I will see her there, but I want to see her here. One night at dinner, Jim said he wanted me to figure out a way to get down to see Rosemary. I just didn't see that as a possibility. When I shared the story of the news with several people, they all said, "You need to go see her." My reply was always, "I can't." I could come up with at least 20 reasons why I could not go. I work, I have a home to manage, I have Ryan who needs me here, I have issues with funding, I have Jim, I have...and the list went on and on. But the one thing that really kept me here was the thought of who am I that I think I deserve to get to see her? She has her family and they need to be with her, that is more important than her seeing me. But, I prayed about it and trusted the Lord to provide whatever means he chose and whatever way he saw fit to allow me to see her. I told my pastor's wife that I would maybe look at my schedule and flights but beyond that, I was not going to try to work out the details of a trip. I put it completely in his hands.

I have another close friend who lives in Florida. She is a couple of hours away from Rosemary and I thought there could be a possibility that I could work with her to get down there. She was willing to help me out in any way she could. I felt so blessed but then another idea popped into my head. We had spent last Thursday night in the Dells at the water park with a group we have gone there with several times. One of the people I ended up hanging out with there was Marcia Jordahl. Her parents winter in Florida. I asked her where they were and she told me near Ft. Myers. I told her my dilemma and she informed me that her parents have a guest room and would love to have me come there. My goal in all of this was to not place my visiting as a burden on any of the Mielke family. It is why I hadn't even mentioned the possibility to them because I didn't want them to feel they needed to worry about me.

When we arrived home from the water park, I checked the mail and there was a letter from Rosemary. She reciprocated and wrote a hand written letter and told me things she felt about our friendship. It was touching, and yes, I cried. But I cried hard and long when the end of the letter said she wanted to see me in the next couple of months and to call her daughter and stay with her. I knew that I had a plan that didn't need to impose on them, so I went with my plan. I sent a message to Annette Grover (Marcia's mom) and asked if I could stay with them if I were to be able to come. I had no idea how this would all work out, I still had a work schedule and the other issues. Annette replied and told me I was more than welcome to stay there and they have a van I can use while I am there. TEARS!!! God, you bless me beyond what I ever deserve.

So, next day, I went to work and sent a text to Jim to ask him to get me a ticket to Ft. Myers. He was able to do that and now, I am less than 24 hours from getting to see my dear friend. I cannot wait.

Thanks to the many people who encouraged me to take this trip and those who offered help along the way. Thanks to those who prayed for me, this is surely a huge answer to prayer.

I will update my blog when I return. I am sure there will be lots of great stories. We won't have much time because my trip is quick, but we will see each other, and that is the best gift I could have ever received.